I decided to take a weekend off. Today is spent at my parent's home. And, yes, it's home to me too. It's nice here. The beds are softer. The couches are bigger. The carpet is thicker. The temperature is better. The lilacs are blooming. The water is softened. The grass is thick. The food is free.
Yeah. It's nice.
Which leads me to recognize that it wasn't always nice.
Which kinda leads me to the point.
I think it's a good point to make about dreams. That some dreams aren't realized just because we want it. That vision is needed to see through the work necessary to achieve the desired goal. This place was once a dried up field. My parents were once very very poor college students.
Okay, I recognize this is the point where certain people look around the room at certain other people and some of us feel very looked at in pointed ways which makes us tug at our collars and say "yeeech."
I am a collar tugger in my own mind.
(Which is not to say that to other people I am or am not. I'm sure that other people think of me and how I would look at them as we discuss the epic "Path of Life" and straighten their neckties or adjust something. I just want to point out the fact that I feel like I could use some work while recognizing that we probably all could use some work on the whole "Making Life Happen" thing.)
And those of us who feel like somebody is pointing a finger or directing comments or something like that will probably get defensive and say things like "Yeah, I was stupid before, but I'm smart now. I was wrong, now I am right. This actually is the life I'm going for, despite what you may have heard."
Having said that much, we press our lips shut a little tighter, shake our heads in that arrogant way that we do, and ignore what else has to be said.
Because it's better to say "I was wrong before," than to say "I am living a lie."
or "You're right. I am unsatisfied and unhappy."
Ladies and gentlemen, for my first rant of the website I will present the preceding and the following: "No."
Having been on both sides of the discussion and lifestyles, I can say that it is better this way. It is better to have honesty for your self, circumstance, and relations. It is so much better to say "I admit I'm not happy because I'm not living the way I want to…" and then changing accordingly than it is to live the lie that says "Saltine crackers are my favorite meal and I look forward to eating them for the rest of forever despite what you may say about the possibilities of endless feasting just through doors number one through 976."
I'm looking for a vision. And I'm trying to think of some good goals. So far, not much. Just vague feelings and impressions. Where to go, what to do? No strong desires aside from who I want to be with.
That's not to say I have not motivation nor desire. I guess the feeling I face is that I don't know what to expect. I'm wishing for more specifics and I'm not going to get any – which frustrates me.
The upside is that I have a much stronger desire and willpower to do my best (at whatever it is) than I have ever had in my life. I've finally figured out how to stop trying to make up for mistakes of christmas past and just make a better future. I've learned to be honest with myself and truthful in my personal evaluation of how I feel and what I need. I've let my good feelings become more important to me than my disdain for that which is popular or foriegn. I learn more about people and myself every day. I have hope for the future – even though I don't have any idea what it is. I have a better appreciation for what is really important. To the shock of my former self it really turned out to be happiness and love.
It's funny because I'm doing the thing that I don't want to be caught doing – saying "I'm right now, and I was wrong before." But this time it's not to cover up that collar-grabbing feeling. It's not some kind of pride that makes me say it. It's the evidence that comes with that statement. I am right now. I was wrong before. I know it's true because I'm happy now. I wasn't before.
And I find myself hopeful for whatever lies ahead, and the past 26 years seem pretty okay too.