Nostalgia

My favorite season is the fall. I could never understand why anyone could like the spring best, rainy and cold season that it is. Spring is mostly cold with a little bit of warm, and I don’t like the cold. And cold and wet is the most miserable feeling. Fall, however, is the most welcome relief from the dog days of summer. The days cool down to a perfect temperature of warmth and the cool breezes blow gently through your hair and make your cheeks rosy. There’s also a certain smell associated with fall. It’s sort of a spicy, warm, inviting smell. One that makes you want to move, to search, to wander. Fall is the time my wanderlust is strongest. I always want to leave, to travel to different places and find a cozy niche to settle into for the winter. Also a cozy, sexy someone to shack up with for a while. Now that I’m married, though, it’s the same cozy, sexy someone that I find all year long! LOL

In behalf of the spring lovers, though, I would like to say that now that I live among orchards and farmland, I find the spring to be very beautiful, with wonderful smells. And I appreciated the season more this year than I ever have. I’m sure this is because I have never lived among farmland and orchards until this year, so I was very glad to notice that spring really does have amazing redeeming qualities.

This year’s spring has also proven to be warmer than its fall. It seems that we went from the dead heat of summer to the icy northern winds of winter in two short weeks. This does not bode well for the mild winter I was hoping for. Ah, well. I do live in a high desert with mountains on all but one side. Said mountains are boasted to have better snow than Utah. I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been skiing in years.

I would like a mild winter, though. Last winter felt like an Ice Age and it lasted almost as long! I thought it would never end, and then summer was too short and didn’t get hot enough to bat an eye at. It’s very unfair. Especially that it skipped right over fall!

Fall also used to be a nostalgic time for me, wanting to connect with old friends, to make sure that everyone was doing well and on the right path (whatever that was). I noticed, though, that I stopped feeling nostalgic the last time I saw Greg. Not saying that you’ve got anything to do with that, old chap. Just saying that’s when I stopped. For some reason, I felt a sense of closure to my teenage life. To the person I was during those years. But upon further examination I realized what exactly it was.

During my teenage years I had no “family”. Yes, I had flesh and blood parents and siblings that I lived with, but they were just the people I had to take care of. My siblings were more my children and my parents, well, weren’t. (parents). By the time I moved to S. Utah (summer before my senior year) I had been acting mom for (# of years since I was 10). So I was rather done. And I visited home just enough to make sure they were alive. (they were usually kicking, too :) ). So, to get the “family feeling” I turned to my friends.

Anyway, this spring I realized that I still had the priorities of my heart backwards. Not my amorous heart, but the part of me that decides who to take care of, and follow up on and make sure people were on the right path. After I left home, I transferred that part to my friends and had never switched it when I got married. Obviously I did the same for my husband, but I hadn’t moved him from the “friend” group into the “family-to-whom-my-heart-should-be-tied” group. I didn’t know how that second group worked. It was so foreign to me, and belonging to the friend group (in my mind) was unquestionably so much better. It was the best place to be. After all, look at the people already in my family group and the mess they made…Obviously the “family” group was a total failure, so who would want to be there? And by choice?

I don’t know what happened to change all of this. I am sure that it wasn’t something big (I think I’d have noticed ;) ). So it was probably all of the little things that I had been learning through four years of marriage. The other thing that just occurred to me is that since I got back from my mission I haven’t had a lot of friends. Partly that was because I became jaded and learned to be mean. But now that I am back to my old, but improved self (can it be improved if I would still be a disgraceful flirt if I weren’t married? Hmmm…No, I was always graceful. :) (I am more compassionate and Christ-like than I was, and a much better communicator. Can you tell I’m still working on humility?! ;) I still don’t have very many friends.

And not having friends means not having to care for anyone’s welfare other than my own and my immediate family, which became my husband and my son. For the first time in my life I focused on myself and making sure that I was on the right path. And I realized that I had a lot of fixing up to do. So I’ve been doing that. And also I’ve been focusing on my family, which makes my friends, though still dear, not as important to me. They’re adults now and they’re doing a good job of it.

And you know, I think that’s the thing that’s really changed. My job with my friends is done. They’re doing well and they’re on the right track. (Though, Greg, you did have me worried there for a while. Thanks to your lovely Kaye, I can stop intervening with God on your behalf. That’s her job now! LOL)

So all I have now is my family. And that’s the way it should be.

Nostalgia? No, I’m too busy with the future.

 

Anah

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