The top 5 awful movies everybody should see.

Now, when I say awful, this is what I mean:  Awful is when a movie tries to be good and successful and everything else that the crackpot director thinks it’s supposed to be but instead comes out just horrible.  Sometimes so horrible that you have to wonder why the guys in the editing room didn’t just set the film to flame. 

A lot of the awful movies out there do a great job of embracing their awfulness.  Numbers 1 and 2 on my list are particularly good just because they don’t take themselves seriously at all.  I did not include Monty Python because, awful as it may be, it was entirely intentional.  So here we go, Greg’s top 5 favorite awful movies of all time. 

aod.gif1. Army of Darkness.
     What could be better than Bruce Campbell thrown into the ancient and undefined past where horrors encroach on civilization, hands can be replaced with chainsaws, and boom-sticks have unlimited ammo?  Add to that the rubbery shaking of plastic skeletons and you’ve got a recipe for what I consider to be the greatest horror film ever made.  It’s as if Sam Raimi and his typical cohorts said “Eh.  Let’s just be silly,” and the Evil Dead trilogy began. 
     Army of Darkness is the continuing adventures of Ash, played by Bruce Campbell.  He ends up in mideaval times with his chainsaw, shotgun, and car.  The humans are vastly outnumbered by the demonic hordes, aptly called “Deadites.”  Luckily, with Ash’s 20th century know-how and his massively high pain-threshold, they’ve got a chance.
     I think my favorite thing about this movie is all the great lines from Ash.  “Gimmie some sugar, baby.” “Baby, you got real ugly.” and his classic slaughtering of the essential words of power (remarkably uttered a thousand years later in the film “The Day the Earth Stood Still).  Klatuu, Barada… uh… 
     With self-indulgent amounts of gore and explosions, armies of people in zombie suits, and poorly animated living props, this movie is my personal favorite Awful Movie.  You will find reference to this movie in pop culture for the rest of your life.  Make this one first on your list.

2. UHF.
     This is what happens when somebody lets Weird Al do a movie.
     And, yes, I know it’s supposed to be stupid.  The reason UHF made it on the list is because it was meant to be a big hit.  The problem was It came out on the same week of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  Not a good move. 
     UHF is one of the most satisfyingly hilarious movies ever done.  And it is dumb to the point of awful on occasion, but that’s either intended or due to lack of funding.  The only part of the movie I don’t like is the self-indulgent dream sequence where the entirety of the “Beverly Hillbillies” music video is shown.  (Although in 89, when the movie came out, it was pretty cool computer animation.) 
     Favorite portions include the inept shop teacher, Conan the Librarian, drinking from the fire hose, and without doubt, teaching poodles to fly.

3. Dungeons and Dragons.
    jeremy.gif I think what happened was that some bright executive somewhere had a dark and disturbing secret.  He had grown up a D&D player.  And in the late 90’s and early 2000’s when it looked like comic-book, fantasy, and science fiction movies were a sure-thing this guy went into his closet, dusted of an old quest he had written, and turned it into a truly awful.  Awful.  movie.
     I admit I watched it in the theaters.  The previews had been dragony enough to seduce me and other semi-nerds to the theater. 
     Yes, we were the only ones in it.
     And that sign, like lips stained with blue, should have served as a warning.   Yet we were optimistic.  However, about 15 minutes into the movie even the die-hard gamers were heckling the movie in fine MST3K fashion. 
     Bad acting, bad story, plot holes, poor dialogue, and a wayan all serve to make this movie just horrible – and ripe for our unbridled commentary.
     This is a great movie to watch in groups of geeks.  The downside is that you will never trust Jeremy Irons again.  Ever. 

4. Plan 9 from Outer Space.
     This is pretty much a given.  Not only is it Awful, but it’s been voted one of the 2 worst movies ever made (ranking varies depending on who you ask – sometimes “Manos: Hands of Fate” wins).  What makes it really good is watching “Ed Wood” sometime soon after you watch this horror of horrors.  Suddenly the stuff that made you say “What the crap?” makes sense in a sad kind of way.

5. Mystery Science Theater #301: Cave Dwellers.
mst3k     Have you seen this?  Of all the awful movies ever watched by the cast of MST3K this is, by far, the worst ever.  From hang-gliding warriors to some of the most awkward dialogue ever acted out this movie is so awful you almost won’t be able to stand it.  The only reason I was able to handle the movie is thanks to a guy and two muppets who were sitting at the bottom of the screen moaning about it with me.
     My favorite part is the end.  The expression on the faces of the actor and muppets when the show is finally over is a perfect match for my own.  And as you walk away, you realize there is 2 hours of your life that you will never, ever, get some kind of compensation for.

 Runners Up:

The Labyrinth, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Wing Commander, Hackers, Star Trek I.

Predictions for future awful movies that everybody will need to watch:

Fantastic 4,  League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, X-men 3 and other poorly done modern superhero / comic book movies.

Anything that relies on a lot of computer animation:  ID4, LoTR, Matrix,

And anything that has a muppet in it.

Agree, disagree, etc?  Please comment.

-Greg

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6 Responses to “The top 5 awful movies everybody should see.”

  1. lespend Says:

    In the fact that I utterly agree with your top 5… I’m at a bitter stand still with your runners up… (why does that sound weird… runners up…) there it just some form of “intrigue” that I’m forced to maintain when thinking about David Bowie running around in a leotard and a codpiece while Jennifer Connolly runs around a maze on a very strong hit of acid that most likely would have been cured by a worm in a piece of fruit… I don’t know… call me crazy…

    P.S.

    Lespend = Slim

  2. sykomother Says:

    I liked UHF. I would definately switch that one with “Surf Nazi’s Must Die.” My husband rented that one several years ago and it was so awful I still have nightmares about it.

  3. anah Says:

    It is very late and I have averaged 4 hours of sleep in the last 2 days. So forgive my confusion, if I am at all confused. I don’t understand the Future Awful Movies bit. Are you saying that later these will seem awful? Because currently League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and especially LoTR rate as highly enjoy and favorites (in that order). The others I’m not as fond of, but still enjoy. Rather, they’re not bad (but good for mocking) like the 5 B-movies listed above.
    As for David Bowie in a leotard and codpiece…Even as a kid I never understood why Jennifer Connelly didn’t stay in the Labrynth just to have hot, wild sex. That’s what I wanted to do. It only seemed logical.

    Anah

  4. Cornelius Says:

    I didn’t see Strange Brew in your list at all. I’m shocked and dismayed. I am also confused about the LOTR and Matrix. I know everyone likes to make fun of Keanu Reeves, but I liked the Matrix. I might even own it someday. It was definitely better than any movie with Colin Farrell in it. Two and Three were dumb though. The LOTR movies are some of my very favorites (as in “to the death” favorites), so I will assume that you were referring to the old animated versions. Those are truly awful. As for things with muppets in them: Muppets Rule.

  5. whiteraven Says:

    HAHA D and D really did suck, mind you I love the game, but the movie was hands down the worst. You know they should have done a series on the dragon lance novels, now there is a good story they could have stuck to. The story of Raistlin was a very sad tale indeed and not only that they could have made more than one flick (increasing the money they make) and of course they had good sad stories behind them, and of course you find yourself finding a favorite character that later dies. Than they could have done spin off’s like the legend of Huma and Dalamar the dark (also good books).

  6. Angela Says:

    I think you forgot Snakes on a Plane. Pretty much an instantaneous classic.


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